"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Saturday, January 26, 2008

I'd Like To Thank the Little People

In fifth grade, I won our elementary school's spelling bee. And then I went on to be a national quarter-finalist. Do you hear me? A NATIONAL QUARTER FINALIST! I think there might have been only 20,000 of those, so I guess it's not as awesome as seemed at the time. But I do remember someone made me a cake that looked like an Oreo, and it said "to One Smart Cookie."
At sixth grade camp, I won the "Edgar Allen Poe-try Award" for my poem on the desolation of our planet caused by mankind.

I've mentioned previously that I was a "mathlete." I actually went to various competitions in the area and sat with pencil and paper and added and multiplied and sqare-rooted and geometrized and algebrized like there was no tomorrow. I won ribbons and certficates. Girls swooned. I'd just mention the Quadratic Equation, and their knees would buckle.

Oh, yes, there were more. I won journalism awards, Mr. Peanut physical fitness awards and the like.

However, we all know that there are things that we each do that no one even knows about, stuff that we may never be recognized for. For example, that chewed-up coffer-stir lying on the floor outside my office door that everyone just passed and assumed someone else would pick it up and throw it away? I could've totally tossed it and no one would've even thought to say, "Thanks, Scott, for keeping this place so nice and tidy." I didn't, but I COULD have.

Or I could intentionally park farther away from the store's entrance and let other, older and more feeble patrons have the closer spots. Again, it's possible; I COULD.

But even if I did all that kind of stuff, no one's going to applaud. No one's going to pat my back. No one's going to notify the news or dip me in bronze.

So for all those things I HAVE done, here's a little somethin-somethin:

It's for all the times I went without a Pop-tart, because there are just enough in the box for the kids to each have two.

It's for when I turned off my wipers in the drive-thru so Ronald McDonald's minions wouldn't get splashed at the window.

It's for not making a weird face when I saw your child's baby picture.

It's for making the bed.

Thank me. Thank me very much.

(I stole this award from Big Doofus, the award's creator. So if you are well-deserving and desire a moment of self-centeredness, by all means go there and get your own stinkin' award.)


javamamma said...

You're weird. Just really, really weird.

Ma said...

The snark, the silliness. I love it.

Tim said...

Interesting that the award graphic just 'happened' to have a big piece of cheese, prominently displayed.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

For some reason the story about when you gave up the Pop-Tart (because there were only enough in the box for each of the kids to have two) brought a tear to my eye. How many times, breakfast-less myself, have I given of my meager Pop-Tart hoard, to satisfy the ravening appetites of children who ate full breakfasts?

Some people think that's not much of a big deal. "After all," they murmur snidely, "it's not as though you couldn't afford to skip a meal." Such persons have no idea of the depth of sacrifice involved in giving up the last frosted blueberry Pop-Tart. Talk about laying down your life!

Well done, Scott. An award well-deserved, indeed.