"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Friday, February 8, 2008

Celebrating Lint

Mardi Gras is a big day for a lot of people. If you celebrate Lent by going without some bane or blessing for 40 days leading up to Easter, then you might be one of those who partied and overindulged this past “Fat Tuesday” or Mardi Gras. After all, you have to stock up for the lean, dry weeks. God bless you.

[subject change from Lent to Lint]

My wife has made it clear to me recently that she cares not one bit for my bellybutton lint. I can’t honestly say how it gets there. It’s not like I wear a terry cloth shirt around. THAT might make sense. But nothing I wear seems to match the color of the lint. In fact, regardless of what I wear, the lint always turns out to be the exact same shade of grey.

Which leads me to the following logical conclusion: My bellybutton lint is not a product of fibers coming from my clothing.

The lint MUST be coming from inside of me.
It’s some unseemly internal fluid or waste product, and it’s leaking out of a tiny fissure in my loosend bellybutton knot.

Yes, as I have feared for years, my bellybutton is coming untied.

Even though I have four children of my own and saw first-hand how bellybuttons are formed, my mind still thinks that bellybuttons are created when the umbilical cord is tied into a knot to close off the flow of blood and nutrients (and lint presumably). Therefore, skilled physicians are able to tie tight knots that end up as innies. Less experienced quacks, I believe(d), tie looser knots that end up as outies. I picture a newbie doctor saying, “hey nurse, can you put your finger right here?”

I had an outie for the first 32 years of my life. But as my wife has made more tuna casserole and clam chowder and as more uses for Velveeta are discovered almost daily, my stomach has started to inch out and finally consume my bellybutton creating a brand-spankin'-new innie.

Scientific Fact…
Those with outies: no lint.
Those with innies: lint enough to weave a rug.
(The above may apply only to men.)

Since I’ve only had my innie for four years now, the lint production has been in overdrive to make up for lost time. Hence, I’m working on some wall-to-wall shag carpet spewing forth from my abdomen.

But for these 40 days, I will commit to daily removing my lint. You’re welcome, Cindy

[change of subject from Lint back to Lent]

I wish you all the best of luck and discipline as you honor God through your commitments and deicisons during this sacred time as we approach Easter.
Amen and amen.

[back to Lint]

Maybe I’ll save it in a zip-loc bag under the sink and see what crafty thing Cindy can make out of it for a bloggy giveaway! Feel free to send us some knitting patterns for ideas.


JAM said...

Keep it in a glass mason jar, that would be old-school cool.

You can keep it displayed right next to your toe jam collection.

Save enough belly button lint and you can knit nice sweater-vest for Christmas parties. Chicks dig a guy wearing a sweater-vest.

When I was a teenager, I actually had a white terry cloth shirt. It had a red and blue band at the neck and at the end of the short sleves. It was super white and actually looked really nice, so I never wore it for playing football or anything for a long time. Eventually a food stain that wouldn't come out despite Sainted Mothers religious use of Tide relegated it to the "bummin' around the house" stage. I made the mistake of wearing it to mow the yard one time and all my sweat made the shirt weigh about 30 pounds.

Good times.

Tracie Loux said...

I know this guy with no belly button. I'm still trying to figure that one out!

Tessa said...

Nasty! I've heard of this lint crisis, but although I have an innie...I have never had any lint. Is there something wrong with me? Is my lint-maker broken? If so, I don't want it fixed...ever.

Emily said...


(my twist on the above comment)

And I had an innie for the first 10 or 12 years of MY life...and it's an innie now. I guarantee you that I'm WAY bigger than I was at 12.

So, this phenomenon doesn't have to do w/ weight. Must be something more sinister.

Emily said...

My above comment was 'supposed' to say...

"I had an OUTIE for the first 10 or 12 years of my life"

it made no sense....now it's crystal.

Scott said...

Guess who's going mason-jar-shopping tonight!

Hope said...

Thanks for the laugh, even though I almost wet myself. I'll have to get my sixteen year old son to read this. He likes to save his. :)

FabTheMayor said...

You have absolutely lost your ever-lovin' mind! You make me laugh out loud!

mylittleducks5 said...

I was laughing so hard. It was so gross, yet funny. I am sure Cindy will want you to keep that jar in the garage.
@hsb SeekingJesusnTeachingKids

Brenda said...

Now I know what I'm giving up for Lent - bloggy giveaways! Thanks, man.

Ma said...

Oh glory, that had me laughing out loud.

I KNEW there was something about Lent I was not getting...I had been spelling it all wrong!!!

Lint!! It's all about LINT!!!

Mary@notbefore7 said...

Your wife recommended your lovely lint post to me. In all honesty, I am still trying to figure it out :) BUT I laughed quite a few times.

Good luck with your lint celebration! ;)

Mr. E said...

I have been accused by my family of not having a belly button. It is a deep "innie" almost like a hole in my stomach. This is a perfect place to collect the mysterious lint that collects there. Maybe I should save it and make a sweater or something.

My kids think the Veggie Tales are singing about me, when they sing the Silly Song called the "Belly Button Song".

Beth said...

One word: EWWWW! LOL

javamamma said...

While I'm very interested in "Lent" this year - I'm equally as interested to see what kind of cool thing Cindy could craft out of your "lint".

I've heard you can make fire starters out of lint stuffed into empty toilet paper rolls. Could be a seller.