"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Guys Are Jerks But That's No Excuse For Getting Your Wife Squat For Valentine's Day

Thanks to my lovely wife and all her bloggy friends, I believe I now have more female readers than male.

I'm not complaining; after all, guys are just plain jerks. [Can I get a high-pitched "amen"?]
Which is why I'm writing the "Works-For-Me" advice in this post today.

If you are a jerk, here's a Valentine's idea to trick your wife into thinking you're not.

Or if you're married to a jerk, then perhaps you can "accidentally" leave this post up on your computer screen and see if he learns anything. I've titled it in such a way that it might get his attention a little more easily than YOUR title: "Homemade Soap for Under A Buck." (I just made that title up. I apologize if you really did write about that. Good for you, Laura Ingalls.)

(Note: I may keep using the term "jerk" interchangeably with "man" or "guy" or "common-law husband." So don't get hung up on the word too much. It's endearing in a way.)

Hey Jerk,

Yeah, I'm talking to you, the guy who's rummaging through the 99-cent cards to find the most inappropriate card you can find for your lady this Valentine's Day.

While yes, she does enjoy intimacy with you in the bedroom, chances are she prefers it without the crass references to your hot, sweet lovemaking in a greeting card featuring a horny 93-year-old flasher. I dunno. Maybe your wife's different from mine.

So here's an even BETTER idea than that.

You're a jerk, so the idea of spending zilch on a card might strike a chord in your CHEAP little heart.

Two main instructions:
1. Make it look creative and personalized.
2. Write lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of words.
Before you break a sweat, I want to assure you that anyone can do this. Children do it at preschool all the time; certainly you can out-card a 4 year old.

I will demonstrate for you how I will make this year's card.

First, I look around the office or home and find scraps of leftover paper or materials of any kind that might be useful. Don't bother thinking of ideas in advance; that might necessitate having to go to the store to buy a material you need, and since you're a jerk, that will be the end of that because you hate going to the store unless it's the beer and pizza. (Please don't incorporate beer OR pizza in your card, for Pete's sake.)
So work with what you have on hand. For example, on the floor of my office right now, I see a 3-pack of Pez candy; on a shelf I see a scrap of tin foil covering some wheat rolls from our staff Christmas potluck (don't ask), and on my desk is an old manila folder whose contents I've just disposed of.

I will sit here for a short while as I contemplate what kind of card I can make with any of these materials.

Remember: Be Creative and Write Lots and Lots and Lots of Words.

From the old manila folder, I can cut out a nice folded greeting-card-shaped greeting card. You have probably noticed that all the fanciest cards in the rack at the gas station have LAYERS. There's an outer shell with some writing and an inner paper with more writing. A ribbon wrapped around the spine might hold them together. This is classy.

The preschoolers don't do layers. They trace their hands, turn it into a turkey and then write "Happy Valentine's Day." We are so beyond that.

So now I will need to find another piece of paper to fold and nestle inside the fold of my manila outer shell. I see a partial roll of commercial paper towels sitting on another shelf. If I cut a length of that and fold it, it will be perfect for the inside.

I don't have any ribbons, but a long rubber band might do the trick. Ooooh, if I can find a colored one, it would really klass it up as well.

So now I've got the outer shell and inner shells held together with a blue rubber band around the spine.

Time to write. If you've been eager to draw pictures, just hold on until after the writing. I know what you're thinking: "if I draw lots of big pictures of hearts and flowers and unicorns, it'll fill up space, and I won't have to write as much." WRONG! The writing is THE KEY. Please don't think that it's the manila folder, paper towels and rubber band that are going to enduce swooning. Noooooooooo, it's the words. If space allows, you can fill in with pictures later.

So what to say? A great idea is to start with "As we celebrate our Nth Valentine's Day, there are so many things I love about YOU that are worth celebrating." Of course, you'll need to know A) how many years you've been together because you are are going to replace the "N" with that number, and B) at least two things you indeed love about her. Less than that and the card could be a huge disappointment...and you would be too.

Fill the inside of the card with lots of things you love about her just scattered all around the page around a big "Happy Valentine's Day" in the center. Feel free to use different colored pens for fun. Fill up the page as much as humanly possible; make it look like there just isn't enough room to write everything you love about her.

Be sure to sign your name, and add a sufficient amount of X's ans O's to assure her of her desireability.

Now, I can't tell you what to write specifically. That's what will make it special to YOUR wife. But here are some categories to consider:
1. What first attracted you to her?
2. What things does she do well?
3. How does she make you feel?
4. What outfit does she look awesome in?
5. How has she made you a better person?
6. What makes her a good friend to other women?
7. What about her makes her beautiful?

Now you can throw in some hearts and flowers (I was joking earlier about the unicorns), and you've just created a card that will make even the most creative preschooler jealous.

See, this wasn't too hard.

You may think I'm just being silly writing these instructions, but I am totally serious. This works for me (hence it's here on "Works For Me Wednesday"). My wife's favorite cards are my homemade ones.

I GUARANTEE you, if make a homemade card and fill it with lots and lots and lots of loving words, your wife will beam, and she will tell at least two women about your card. Those women will be covetous and wish their own jerk was more like you.

And based on the laws of Supply and Demand, your value has just gone up!

Oh, and flowers and chocloates are good too, but not WITHOUT the card with lots and lots and lots of words.

Did I mention that you should use lots and lots and lots of words?

Don't forget the words.


Annette said...

Where in the blazes do you get this stuff? Your brain is a definite imagination station. You are quite weird, and I mean that as the highest sort of compliment!

Miss French Jessica said...

I think my jerk...ahem, I mean husband, needs to see this. I will make sure to leave the screen up for him to "accidentally find". Great WFMW! :D

Gayle said...

Oh Scott, you've outdone yourself this time. You should write a book..."Gift Giving for Dummies". I'm sure it would be a best seller!

gigablonde said...

I love my jerk! He gives me lots and lots of cards with plenty of WORDS on them ... this must be why I fell madly in love with him! He befuddled me with WORDS!!! ;)

Emily said...

The 'lots and lots of words' thing is the kicker. You're totally right. Must be the 14 years of marriage...(was it 14?)

But I'm sitting here smugly knowing that he won't forget V day, 'cause my man rocks the gift giving. He's the Muhammed Ali of gift giving...(without the conversion to Islam.)

But you did provide a valuable service to the other jerks out there.

Beth said...

Boy, did you hit the nail on the head with this post! I don't have a "jerk" but hubby could definately use a good refresher course on "lots and lots of words".

Evelyn said...

Hot stuff! Nothing says love like a handmade card from my man.

Sarah said...

Hilarious. Love it. Think I'll make my own for my husband. But I might include a unicorn, just for funsies.

Mr. E said...

My wife and I are looking into a Valentine's Day Dance held at local church. It is sponsored by the VOW program (wevownow.com). It is a ballroom dance type of thing. I may buy her some flowers and she gets to dress up nice. Childcare is provided...that's Huge!

I wish I had your gift for words, you can make even the most ordinary thing, sound so great and exciting. I can't even make wonderful things sound good enough to read.

Jaki said...

Mr. E.,

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's only February 7th and you are already thinking about and making Valentine's Day plans. You are way ahead of the curve!! Don't forget - actions speak louder than words!

Alaska1 said...

here is a deep voiced, -45 Fahrenheit (no wind)AMEN!!!

I will spread this post around ye ole cell group this weekend for those fellas around me that could perhaps use a few pointers... now that I already have them :)

Great post!

Big Doofus said...



You've reached an all-time low. Please gather your things in a box and turn in your Man Card at the front desk. What's next, watching Jane Austen movies with the wife while sitting next to the fire place (on your sectional) and sipping on cream sherry?


P.S. Nicely done. I know that my wife enjoys a handmade card more than anything. The truth is, all she REALLY cares about is what I write inside. The fact that I go the extra mile to be creative (I tend to use a lot of pictures) makes it even better. What she really wants is to know how I feel about her.

MInTheGap said...

What?! I could have gotten away with a glue stick, a card, and some clever words!

Here I went out and followed the advice of those TV commercials and bought her diamonds!

Thanks for getting me straight. I'll return them this afternoon.

j/k-- great post. :)

Sniz said...

What? Valentines Day is coming up?

Gayle said...

While I am intrigued at your awesome insight, I have to say that I am more curious as to what kind of traffic you will now be getting with words like "common-law husband, beer and lovemaking" in one post. :D

Scott said...

Gayle, how absolutely vulnerable of you to admit that you found this site by Googling "common-law husband," "beer" and "lovemaking."

I'm sure you'll be nothing but disappointed.


I guess you saw that I linked your site from mine. Thanks for the comments! I love your site (and your wife's, of course) and hope you don't mind my continuous stalking. :-)