"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Monday, February 4, 2008

There Was A Football Game On Last Night Or Something

Yes, a football game. Last night. Maybe you already heard about it.

I know this to be true, because the network kept interrupting my commercials in order to show me a bunch of guys fighting over a ball. The ball they play with, by the way, is shaped just like Stewie’s head from Family Guy. (If you don’t know him—and for the sake of your eternal soul, I pray you don’t—he was the inflatable boy fighting with the inflatable Underdog over the inflatable bottle of Coca-Cola. Don't ask how I know, or I might have to turn in one of my scout badges.)

You most likely woke up this morning and rushed to your computer to see if I’d already put up my social commentary on this year’s Superbowl Ads. Sorry you had to wait until mid-day. I do a lot of my typing for my posts on my Blackberry during trips to the bathroom. Well, I sold some plasma this morning and am a little low on fluids, so I’ve taken relatively few bathroom breaks. Getting this finished and posted has taken longer than usual. My apologies. But it's time for a lunch break, so hear goes:

This year’s commercials felt a little more understated than previous years. I didn’t fall off my chair laughing, really, and that is one of my goals on Superbowl Sunday.
However, I DID put my hand over my mouth several times and uttered, “Oh no they di’in’t.”

But yes, they di’id.

The horrors (or delights; it's a fine line) I saw from my vantage point on the couch last night?

1. One car ad included the threat of a badger (wolverine?) chewing someone’s face off. Said badger/wolverine (badgerine?) was nursing its babies in the passenger seat. Who THINKS of these things?

2. A careerbuilder.com ad showed a heart explode out of a hole in a woman’s chest as she was slaving away at the computer while her boss sat in his office eating lobster. Seeing the bloody, thumping heart army crawl across her keyboard and flop to the boss’s office almost took longer than my delicate sensitivities could handle. Almost. I survived, as did the woman with the hole in her rib cage. Now she can “follow her heart” to a new, better job, assumably NOT as a Victoria’s Secret bra model.

3. Then a guy is flying in a business suit holding a Bud Light. By flying, I mean with his arms outstretched and soaring above the clouds like when we dropped acid in kindergarten. NOT in a plane. Unfortunately, a plane is involved because the flying man gets sucked into a jet engine. I imagine that anyone who’s ever been sucked into a jet engine wouldn’t find this commercial funny…unless they drink Bud Light.

4. And how about that head-thumping Pepsi Max commercial? I don’t really remember much about the ad other than being sad it was over because I wanted to dance to the music.

5. Will Ferrell did some hawking of some Bud Light. “A lot of sweat goes into each bottle. Not literally. That would be gross.” But not as gross as Will in short, tight basketball shorts.

6. I hope you didn’t miss the e-Trade spot where the talking baby (with the apathetic adult male voice) vomits on himself. I have some old home movies if you missed it and you're into that genre of commerical.

7. And you know what sells Audi’s? That scene from the Godfather with the bloody horse head in the man’s bed; that's what. Yup. Except, replace the bloody horse head with the grill of an old car. But still, it made me think of the bloody horse head, and I was eating Chex-Mix at the time trying unsuccessfully not to think of bloody horse heads.

8. I learned that a good way to get a great deal on a car is to hire a witch doctor to shrink the salesman’s head. I also learned that if your head gets shrunk while on the job, you might get to go home early.

9. As if there weren’t enough disturbing commercials already, some tire company thinks it’s funny to put humans in the middle of a curvy road on a dark night and see if the car’s tires are responsive enough to avoid hitting them. We’re used to seeing deer or squirrels in this position, but I was caught off-guard seeing Richard Simmons in his tank top and shorts in the middle of the unlit road. I was also disappointed the car had those terrific new Bridgestone tires.

10. Not really sure what to think about seeing Justin Timberlake dragged around town by the invisible sucking noise and finding himself being beat in the crotch by a mailbox post.

11. We had the pleasure of meeting a lightning bug in another ad who sang an inspiring song about wishes and dreams and such. Jiminy Cricket’s cousin, no doubt. However, Jiminy Lightning Bug's voice gets muffled...because he ends up PARTIALLY DEVOURED BY A SPIDER.

You know, I could go on (eg. jumper cables attached to nipples?), but I think you get the picture. The commercials this year were consistently disturbing.

Now I’m not a professional commercial-maker, so I generally don’t like to give advice to the guys up in marketing. But there was a Ford commercial that would have been TONS better if they’d had a rugged plaid-clad father and his sweet pig-tailed girl in the cab of that truck while it was spinning in the centrifuge. Seriously, a close up on her face screaming in horror? Money.

I guess I AM into “disturbing” after all. You did read my previous post, right?


Sarah said...

The only one that made me LOL was the jumper cables on the nipples. That was the greatest. Guess I'm into disturbing....

Jenny said...

I liked the shrinking head commercial and the Richard Simmons tire commercial. Unfortunately, I missed large chunks of the super bowl and the commercials while I was trying to convince my 2 1/2 yr old to use the potty. Ugh...that was disturbing.

javamamma said...

Yeah, I only turned to the TV when I heard laughter coming from 10 feet away from it. Didn't happen much.

Mr. E said...

Many of the commericals shown this time, were generally not very well done. The best "sadly" was the balloon fight over the balloon beer. To bad Charlie Brown, a minor by the way, captured the beer. The nipple commercial was disturbing. To bad the guy driving one of the Audis(?) didn't run over Richard Simmons. Just kidding.

Have a question. Have you been having trouble leaving comments on my blog? A couple of folks told me they were having trouble. Just checking.

Scott said...

Fortunately, it was a bottle of Coke instead of beer that Charlie Brown got. Kind of a feel-good moment for poor old Charlie who usually gets squat.

Big Doofus said...

That commercial with the heart literally shooting out of woman's chest was REALLY DISTURBING. I'm sorry, but it just didn't look like it was her heart that was shooting off of her chest--and then there was that hole right where her breast was supposed to be. Ick.

I liked the E-Trade commercials with the baby, too. Very well done.

But I have to admit that I'm a football junkie and I LOVED the game.

Sniz said...

Have I told you what a funny, great post this is? And since I didn't really watch them (I was planning our school week), this was quite startling to me. The commercials you described WERE quite disturbing. But come on...the Patriots were put in their place by a Manning. That's AWESOME!

Heather said...

Loved the game! The commercials, not so much. I found the lightening bug being eaten really disturbing.

JAM said...

My favorite was the dalmatian training a clydesdale for a year (Rocky Theme) so that he could become a member of the Budweiser clydesdale team.

The "horse head" in the bed was the front end/grill and headlights of a Rolls Royce. I didn't like that one because I hated the Godfather movies, though that Audi looked pretty sweet.

I wasn't intending to watch the game, but I ended up doing so and enjoying it. I wanted the Giants to win, but my watching a game is usually the kiss of death for whichever team I'm rooting for. Maybe things are looking up.

Chris said...

About the only one I liked was the hot model and the gecko's dancing to Michael Jackson's "Beat It". Though, I can't remember what the commercial was for.

The second e-trade commercial with the baby and the clown was, in my humble but correct opinion, better than the puking baby one. I actually laughed.

It was truly a banner year in that I watched the game and ignored the commercials, instead of the other way around.

Love the blog. I'll be back.