"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Was It Something I Said?

I fear the worst may have happened.

I worry that maybe I have offended you, my dear reader.

Perhaps it was when I discussed my bellybutton lint.
Maybe it was when I implied that I love my wife more than I love you.
Or there’s a chance that you felt manipulated emotionally by my heartworming [sic] retelling of the story of Mikele Mebembe.

Commenting on the tale of sweet Mikele, Javamamma said: “Oh, I was totally into the moment—tears and all. And then, whamo, a devastating ending. Sheesh. What are your goals with your blog anyhow?”

From that day until now, all 12 of them, I have been wrestling with that very probing question: “What are my goals with this blog?”

I am sure that, like Miss America and the rest of you, I began with lofty goals. I wanted to bring about world peace, feed the hungry, clothe the naked and inspire countless thousands to make their lives meaningful and significant.

Clearly, my blog has devolved since then.

No, seriously, I’m just here for a laugh. And not just the cheap laugh that comes from saying the word “fart” or “uvula.” I like the kind of laugh that starts deep down in your duodenum when a chord is struck that’s a little close to home. You’re torn between laughing because a thought is so stinkin’ funny or crying because this thing that is supposed to be funny is so true and real that it reveals something ridiculously human and vulnerable about you (and me).

For example, Mikele’s story begins heading in a direction that is cliché and predictable. You KNOW how it’s probably going to end, you KKNOW it’s sappy, but you also know that you’re not going to believe it’s true. But than (as Javamamma says) WHAMO, the “real” ending comes, and it’s 100% consistent with what nature tells you was really more likely to happen. You’re relieved that the fabric of your universe has not been torn, and you laugh…not so much at Mikele’s sad and senseless death, but more at yourself for spending approximately 38 seconds preparing to trade in your belief system for a lie, the lie that the elephant recognized Mikele and they lived out their remaining years in a small one-bedroom apartment on the north side of Chicago.

Secondly, I enjoy writing about people and life, even serious stuff like marriage and the marketing of body fluids. I have hopes of writing a book someday, and this daily practice of translating my thoughts into printed words is an exercise which I thoroughly enjoy. Two books that are in my noggin are 1) a fiction piece for kids or young adults that is as funny as it is full of fantasy, magic and adventure, and 2) a non-fiction book for daddies who find themselves responsible for their children for extended periods of time and need basic instructions on how to keep the kids alive for the remaining hours/days until mom comes back home and rescues them/him.

However, through the experience of blogging, I’m finding that I enjoy writing about a variety of things. I’m also finding that my spare time in front of the computer is spent less and less browsing the web for news and brainy stuff and more and more reading about YOU and your lives and your ideas and then writing about mine.

I have “met” great people and know that I will meet even more, and there is no doubt that as our family is traveling in the coming months and years, we will make it a point to try and meet in person some of these great friends whom we have met through blogging.

After all, each friend I make online represents a potential buyer of one of my two future books:

Larry Blotter and the Golden Thong
The Daddy’s Guide to Cryogenics: Keeping Your Children Alive Until Mommy’s Back From Vegas

I’m already taking advance orders.


Big Doofus said...

When I first found your blog, I thought, "This guy is a lot like me," and then I finished filling my pants with cream cheese.

javamamma said...

Glad we got that all cleared up. You blog to practice for your books. And now, put me down for one signed copy each.

FabTheMayor said...

You make me laugh out loud! And if you're ever in Atlanta, you'd better park your camper in my backyard!

David said...

I seem to remember us having this same conversation last week. Glad to see it finally in print -- now it's all cleared up.

Ronnica said...

Oh, you do make us laugh. Thanks!

Stretch Mark Mama said...

Cryogenics! I've never thought of cryogenics!!!

I love the WWW!

Now if I could just figure out a way to school the children while they're frozen...

JAM said...

Cheese Whiz! I'm supposed to have a goal for my blog?

Almost two years in before I find this out?

Now I'm actually gonna have to start thinking, and it's all your fault.

Tyna said...

I would totally buy the Daddy book. Can you PLEASE include a section on How To Change A Stinky Diaper By Yourself? Without Puking?

mrshoppes said...

If you are ever in Vigo County, you and your family better visit!

And when you do get around to publishing your book, I would like a signed copy. But I want it signed by Cindy. :p