"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"


Saturday, September 13, 2008

Blisters! On My Throat!

Well, not really.
But it sounds dramatic...and that's the point.

Long ago in a galaxy far, far away I was in college. As was my wife, but she wasn't my wife; she was just my girlfriend at the time--and not a very compassionate one.

I went to visit the campus nurse with suspicions that I had a fatal case of strep throat. I was strong and braced myself for her diagnosis. I really only wanted to know how much time I had to get my affairs in order. Because of the number of unordered affairs that college guys have, I was hoping she'd at least give me 2 or 3 hours.

It turns out that my condition wasn't life-threatening. However, she did provide me with what I felt was fodder for sympathy.

"You appear to have blisters on your throat," she told me, without any concern at all.

As if blisters routinely appear on throats. You have to understand that I was a tender, sensitive lad, not given to much work or effort. Blisters were unknown to me until junior high or high school. I used a rake for, like TWO HOURS one day and some skin on my hand bubbled up. I knew it was cancer, but I detected it early--within 10 minutes of its birth--so I knew my prognosis was good. When I was told it was only a blister and wouldn't require surgery, I was relieved and immediately committed myself to a career behind a desk.

Anyway, Cindy couldn't have cared less each of the 97 times I hoarsely said things like, "Honey, would you run to the library and get that book for me. I would, you know, but...these blisters...[cough]" and "Did I mention that I have blisters on my throat? BLISTERS? On my THROAT?"

Which brings us to last night. I don't know what I did. I think I was downing a Coke Zero and some good-sized shards of jagged crushed ice went hurtling down my throat uninvited. I felt a sting. I think I cut my throat; it kept being irritated after that by everything I ate. Then swallowing hurt.

Finally I went to the bathroom sink and proceeded to expell some blood-tinged saliva. Just a little.

I knew that my wife has little [no] sympathy for my throat ailments, so I figured it might help if I brought her some of the bright red spit in a small clear glass as evidence that I needed her compassion and to warn her that she might possibly need to clean up after dinner for me. Because. my. throat. is. bleeding. [cough]

She was not amused.

But I thank YOU in advance for your outpouring of love and concern for me. Your thoughts and prayers will bouy me through this difficult time. [cough]

12 comments:

rthling said...

Dude, I sent my husband to work one day when he said his stomach hurt.
"It's just gas, Honey. Go on to work and I'll see you in a few hours."
(I was supposed to meet him at my nephew's funeral, so I was a bit preoccupied.)
He called me an hour later from the ER, going into surgery because his appendix was rupturing.
I have yet to live it down, but he's not allowed to bring it up anymore because IT.WAS.THE.DAY.WE.BURIED.DANIEL!
I, however, can talk about it anytime.

AmyG said...

Aww... poor thing! I hope you feel better soon. Does sound painful, though. I've dealt with a lot of strep throats & tonsillitis until I was 28 & had my tonsils out. Haven't had a sore throat since. Feel better!

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

Whatever.

Chris said...

But, don't you depend on your ability to communicate verbally in order to conduct your ministry? Thus, your career, and your family's income, is at dire risk.

I recommend that you lie down in bed with your feet elevated slightly (best thing for a sore throat). A cup of hot tea with lemon and honey should always be within arms length. Now, it's important that the tea be hot (but not tooooo hot), so someone will have to bring you a new cup regularly. And don't let them just nuke the old one; that ruins the medicinal value of the honey. (BTW, a tablespoon or so of whiskey mixed into the tea helps too, if you've got some hidden under the kitchen sink somewhere).

Clearly you need copious amounts of attention and care.

Oh, you might want to wrap a scarf around that throat too, just for the effect.

TAMI said...

Gotta ditto Cindy's comment - WHATEVER!!

Tammy said...

Cindy's "whatever" got me.

My poor husband suffers as you do. I'm a nurse and I'd need WAY more than a little pink tinged saliva in a glass for some sympathy.

Ohhh, and I love me some Coke Zero!

Emily said...

My husband gouges his canker sores with salt. He refuses ankle braces if he twists it. He cuts his hands with saws and doesn't even say, 'ow'.

But if he gets a cold? Lord help us all. Call in the National Guard.

But, that's not you...don't get me wrong. You have an entirely different thing, I mean...you have blisters on your throat.

javamamma said...

Blood tinged saliva in a cup would definitely get a reaction out of me. Just probably not the kind a husband would be looking for. ;)

Hope you heal up soon.

Heather said...

Scott, as much as I hate to say this, I'm with Emily. My husband once shot a nail from a nail gun THROUGH his knee, pulled it out with pliers, and cont'd working. He REFUSED to get it x-rayed.
BUT when he gets a cold, WATCH OUT! And when he got his wisdom teeth removed, OH MY GOODNESS! You'd thought he was SURELY going to meet his MAKER. He once had the flu with a mildly high temp, and he had me send the children into his room to say THEIR GOODBYES! I'm NOT even kidding!
All that to say, I'm a rather HARD CASE, too.
BUT, I do wish you a speedy recovery, if only for your wife's sake! ;) J/K! Hope your throat's healed very soon.

Kirby3131 said...

My husband got sick when we went to Mexico one year. It was a cough and maybe a fever, but I think it was mostly a cough. He wrote out his will on cocktail napkins. To this day I think that is the only will he has! (It's OK, it's just the two of us)

Funny strange - my throat started hurting just a few hours ago & then I read this --- now I'm concerned. I was just bothered, but never heard of blisters in the throat!

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

I'm laughing out loud at Cindy's comment.

HA!!!

Faire Mom said...

I work at a school. One of my students has blisters on his throat so I googled it to see if it was anything to be worried about (it's not), but this came up as #7 on the list. This is too funny! Thank you for giving me something to smile and laugh about. BTW, my husband can't even get up to get his own water when he has a cold. When I had pneumonia, he just told me I'd better not get him sick! This is obviously a guy thing!