"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"


Sunday, October 19, 2008

Sweet Story Involving Babies...and Pumpkin Pie

I've looked high and low trying to find a certain story I'd heard as a youth.

Our dear high school yearbook advisor (dang, that sounded just like "this one time at band camp") told us about something that happened to a friend of his. It was so incredibly fantastic, I just wrote it off as an urban legend.

The only thing is that most urban legends are actually heard of by multiple people. I've looked everywhere to find this story, and haven't found even the remotest hint of it. So I'm starting to think it must be true. Therefore, it MUST be shared. If anyone has info or can direct to me the real thing, let me know.

Until then, here's what I believed we were told in 1988:

Mr. Hall's friend had recently volunteered to bring some pies to her school for a bake sale or something. The purpose of the pies is irrelevant; the fact that these were steaming hot fresh-from-the-oven pumpkin pies, on the other hand, is essential.

The pies were set together in a shallow cardboard box in the back seat, all steamy and sweet-smelling. Ymmmmmmm.

Next to the boiling-hot pumpkin pies was a nice designer carseat, and in that carseat was a baby. A happy baby, cooing and giggling as if nothing bad was about to happen, because really, what kind of problem could happen in a serene little tale of a car, a baby and a couple of piping-hot pumpkin pies?

Sure enough, while mom was driving the pies to school, baby somehow wriggled free of her carseat bondage and got into the pies. Did I mention they were still a little warm from the oven?

If you've ever put scalding pumpkin pie filling on the flesh of a child, then you know exactly the kind of cries and screams that were heard in the car at that moment.

Fortunately, they were at a stop light, so mom whipped around in record time and got her baby back in the seat and started wiping the pie from the baby. It was messy and sticky. I will let you know the baby was fine. Mom was a quick-thinker and yanked the (fresh) Pampers off the child and used that for cleaning off the baby in a jiffy.

Now it really is essential for the next part of this story that you remove yourself from her car and plop youself in the next car over, also stopped at the stop light. For from THAT vantage point, what you see is a lady turning around from the backseat and holding a diaper that is overloaded with drippy brown goo. And the brown stuff is all over her hands and arms as well.

Quite disgusting indeed. You feel very bad for her.

You see her frantically looking for something with which to clean her hands.

So what you see next is the woman holding the soiled diaper and LICKING HER FINGERS clean!!! Over and over!
Holding soiled diaper.
Licking brown slurry off her fingers.

The story goes that the driver in the next car opens his door and vomits at the intersection.
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So you can see why it surprises me that I haven't come across this story in the last twenty years.

It needed to be told, doncha think?
And if enough people are nice and ask for some artwork depicting this story, I'm sure I could work up a little sumpin-sumpin.

8 comments:

AmyG said...

That's hilarious. I think if I was that man, I would've felt the same way!

carrie said...

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Jodie said...

I need a picture. Fo sho.

Awesome story. Awesome and disgusting.

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

I just read this post out loud to my Big Guy and he laughed out loud.

And continued to laugh out loud for a good 10 minutes.

No photo is necessary, thank you!

rthling said...

You know that laugh that comes out in a squeaky, breathy exhale, that is so hard that doesn't really make any sound?
Yeah, thanks.
I could so picture this happening.
You know, because I've put scalding pumpkin pie filling on the flesh of a child, and I know those screams.

javamamma said...

It's all about perspective, huh?

Jerralea said...

Ok, this is hilarious. I wasn't sure about reading a guy's blog :) ... but now, I'm hooked!

I'm still giggling.

Leslie said...

Wow, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. LOL. I love your blog, you are hilarious!