"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I Blame Tim, 100%

I woke up before 6 a.m. which is really not appropriate for a man of my laziness. Unable to regain unconsciousness, I was pretty much forced to read email and check all the latest posts on my reading list.

Tim Duckabush (not his real last name, but that's what I call him) is working on improving his health. I won't give details here, because that can be kind of personal--like telling the world he wears women's stockings; I don't want to be the kind of person who shares others' intimate details with everyone. But I will say that he's asked for friends to pray for him as he tries to stick to his diet plans. I wasn't going to do it, no way. Because if I DID, I might be forced to consider my own weight gain and the fact that my metabolism came to a grinding halt 5 years ago.

This morning at 5:30, though, I read his latest post and felt compelled to pray for him. And then as luck would have it, I suddenly felt like maybe I should do something for MY health/weight as well. Seeing as how there are a group of guys that meet at our church gym to work out and exercise each morning, I thought maybe since I was up anyway...

Nothing good ever comes from that line of thought.

First thing at the gym, I weighed myself.
I actually weighed a good 4 pounds less than yesterday. "My work is done here," I thought. I guess it should be noted that I had previously been weighed with my jeans on, wallet, phone, keys, shoes, etc. This morning it was only shorts and shirt; I even took my SOCKS off. Everyone else did that, so I was just following suit. (Yes, Mom, they're also jumping off bridges later this afternoon and I'll be joining them.)

Then came the stretching. I've never really received stretching lessons, so I'm always self-conscious when I do it in front of others, assuming they're thinking to themselves, "Who's that goofball over there? Doesn't he know that he's actually shrinking his muscles with those moves? His body will surely snap in two when he works out. What a dork!"

So after a few minutes of irreparable damage while stretching, I jogged around the gym for 5 minutes to warm up. Well, I really only jogged for 3 minutes. I learned that each lap was exactly like the previous one, so I didn't see any real need to continue THAT monotony.

I opted instead for the monotony of a demonic rowing machine. I will try to recreate for you the drama and excitement of rowing for 40 minutes. It's hard to describe the thrill, but I will do my best.

(repeat for 40 MINUTES...or eternity, whichever comes first. I'm fairly certain eternity comes first in the world of fake rowing.)

Needless to say, I feel great (because it's over). They tell me that it'll be tomorrow morning when my legs will hate me and hold the rest of my body for ransom.

I don't think I want it back, so don't bother sending money.


javamamma said...

I just blogged about my INactivity so pretty much I hate you right now. ;)

mom huebert said...

So glad you found something more rewarding than the monotony of running laps.... Can't wait to try it myself.

Emily said...

I didn't see a SINGLE love handle on you Scott! I think you just want all of the blogging housewives to fawn over you. You're totally fishing for compliments.

Tammy said...

Did anybody mention the fact that you might have a bad case of what some folks call "stove up" in the morning. As in you might have to ask a certain lovely red head to help you actually get out of the bed??

Good luck with all that....working out is overrated.

Gayle said...

Am I missing something? I saw not an ounce of fat on you? You must have been eating Velveeta by the pound since the last time I visited.

I think you missed your calling as a writer of chick-lit. You're better than a lot of sassy novels I read.

Tim in WA said...

I'm Tim, and I approve this message.

I'm desolated by the thought of the rowing hardship I have caused. How often, in this life, we set into motion a disastrous series of events by the tiniest inattention!

The only consolation I can offer comes from Pride and Prejudice, in the words of Mr. Bennett: "Don't worry, it'll pass more quickly than it ought." With any luck, this fitness frenzy will pass, and be nothing but a bad dream that wakes you shaking in the night.

My pastor came by the house last night, and happened to look in my garage (even though I begged him not to). I guess it is a new 'Pastoral Garage Inspection' trend, now that Small Groups are passe. He said to me, "Now I know you have an exercise machine." Some pastors cross the line from preaching to meddling, and that was such a line.

"It doesn't have any batteries for the little time-thingy, though," I quickly shot back.

"I'll buy you some. What size?" He was relentless.

I guess I'll be switching churches this Sunday.