"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I Am Not A Monster

Dear 2nd Grade Teacher,

In case you need help piecing together the facts, here are some additional insights beyond what you have witnessed first-hand.

Last Friday when I showed up to watch my daughter give her presentation, maybe she hadn't noticed I was there or something, because at Q&A time, she didn't call on me when I raised my hand. Then she burst into tears the moment you said, "Let's have one last question. It will be from your dad." I assure you it is not because she's afraid of me or anything like that. The moment was so awkward with all the weeping over the fear of dad asking questions, I worried that you might think that she's used to questions from me like "Where's my beer, you worthless..." or "why do you keep hanging my shirts on WIRE HANGERS?! No wire hangers ever!"

And then she was absent the following day and came back the day after that needing to go to the nurse for the blood squirting out her chin. She had simply slipped and bumped it on the kitchen table. Honest.

I actually have a very weak uppercut, so I can assure you I have NOT been beating or intimidating my daughter. I'm not that kind of guy in spite of all the evidence over the last few days.

And so help me, if you breathe a word of this to the authorities, I will hunt you down. I know where you live...

It's just a rough draft. I probably won't really send this letter. I just needed an outlet for my paranoia.


THEhooahwife said...

Haha wow, that would be difficult. I hate those awkward situations. I was terrified to send my daughter to school after she got caught in a neighbor's dog's tie-rope and had rope burn marks around her neck for a week.

(PS. She snuck away from the neighborhood BBQ with her friend. Apparently hyper, pent-up dogs are irresistible! Glad we found her before the dog got REALLY excited.

Emily said...

I think this is my favorite post of yours. It even beat your giving blood posts which had me laughing out loud...for REAL.

Scott said...

Dear THEhooahwife,

I'll believe you if you believe me.

Tammy said...

Yes, it's possible we need to write one of those to our Pediatrician because it seemed every time we took our daughter for a check-up she had fallen and has some HIDEOUS bruise ....at least it wasn't the shape of a hand or anything crazy like that!