"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"


Monday, December 15, 2008

Don Quixote Finds A Christmas Tree

Some people never learn. Ever.


We have this great Christmas tree farm outside town. People from our church own it, and we get to visit a little and usually see some of their animals.

Our tradition is to head out to the section where all the trees are one price regardless of size. We drive past all those perfect trees that are $10 or $15 per foot and dream about one day getting one of those because they really look great even without the lights and ornaments.

But we drive to the back of the farm. The trees there aren't as perfect, but we can get a great deal. As a man, my quest involves getting the BIGGEST tree possible (deja vu?). If they're all the same price, you might as well get as much as you can. By this weekend, they were pretty well picked over. Most were my height or shorter. Most had bald spots on one side. It was really slim pickins.

One stood out. It was sort of tall; I was guessing 7 or 8 feet. It had a really nasty bare side . It was crooked and bent. Fairly hideous...but tall. I talked my children out of more modest, well-shaped trees. My bad.

As luck would have it (by "luck" I mean "my stupidity") I neglected to request that the tree farmers drill a hole up into the trunk. If you're not familiar with this, get familiar; it's a HUGELY cool thing. They can hold the tree up straight and set it down on this drill thingie. Then, when I place it on my special tree stand with the pokey pin in the bottom, it is automatically straight. That's it. No work.

But without the hole drilled this time, I had to drill it myself. I won't bore you with the details of the 20 attempts at a hole the right size, depth and direction and cutting off the trunk a little more to start over and blah blah blah curse curse curse. Even after cutting some of the trunk off, this tree turned out to be 6 inches taller than our ceiling. I think we will hang a painting or sconce on the ceiling to hide the scuff marks after Christmas.

To make a long story just a little less long, with the help of some really thick books, some twine and a well-placed curtain rod, we got the tree to stand.

I was ready to skip Christmas altogether and move on to the next holiday. I understand Martin Luther King Day requires very little drilling, cutting and swearing.

7 comments:

His Girl said...

you should have chopped off the top and sold it to charity. 'cause that's what Christmas is all about.

(man, I hope you're a big fan of the office first season, or that is going to sound just laaaaame)

Tammy said...

Lemme know how you get those scuff marks off the ceiling... we *might* have the same problem at our house.

I bet the Mrs. has that tree in sparkling glory!

AmyG said...

This is why I have an artificial tree! lol

FabTheMayor said...

But we do get a day off school to celebrate. Lucky for us Jesus gets us two weeks off!

Becca and Adam said...

Hey! I know you love cheese like i do - so you should totally try this recipe it's delicious, so easy and just basically pure cheese :-) enjoy!

Judy said...

My dad has been known to tie some twine around the trunk and somehow attach it to the wall to keep the tree up!

Beth said...

We need pictures!