"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Saturday, December 6, 2008

You Must Destroy This Post After You Read It


I'm over here...hiding under this rock. Don't tell anyone I'm here, because I have a shameful secret to confess. I'm afraid to tell you, because you may not be able to be my friend anymore. After all, people might associate you with me, and the tabloids will latch onto it, and the next thing you know you'll have to cancel your plans to run for president in O-Twelve.

This information absolutely cannot leave this blog. No linking to this on your site. No stopping me on the streets and saying, "I read your sinful post" in earshot of other humans. And by all means NO telling my mom; her heart's not as strong as it once was. She's still coping with the fact that her son SELLS PLASMA.

So this is just between you, me and my eye-rolling Catholic priest.

[deep breath]

I played Bingo on Friday night.

I know. You don't believe me, but it's true.

Our girls' elementary school had a Bingo fund-raiser. They had different sponsors who put up the prize money for each of the games (if I understood correctly), so that 100% of our entry fees went straight to the school PTO. It wasn't gambling, you see. It was donating to this wonderful organization.

Then the worst possible thing happened.

I WON the very first game. From that moment on, Bingo dauber ink was coursing through my veins so thickly you could see the subdermal lump sliding up my arm on it's way to cause a pulmonary embolism. (Yes, we watch "ER." Can you tell?)

I couldn't get enough; I was playing six cards at a time, sweating and cursing at old ladies who were calling "Bingo" long before it was humanly possible. I now know all about "four corners," "double postage," "B&O" and "pig in a blanket."

By the end of the night, I was even able to say "Are you down yet?" and sound like I knew what I was talking about. (I believe that being "down" means you're one number away from winning. For examply, you're just waiting for B8 to be called next so you can jump up and down and shout "IN YOUR FACE" to Ethel Fitzenstein who has not been at all humored by the last couple times you yelled "Bingo" prematurely.)

It's like a drug, I'm telling you. I can't wait for my next fix. I even suggested to Cindy that for our anniversary, if we end up going out of town, we can look for a Bingo game there and not have to worry about being seen by anyone we know.

Now that I've been so vulnerable about my addiction, please tell me I'm not the only one who's looking forward to spending my Tuesday nights at the VFW.


HootieMama said...

I went to a Longaberger Bingo hosted by a local charity a few years ago. I have never seen little old ladies get so VICIOUS!

Don't worry. I won't call you on the whole "gambling" thing. My grandparents regularly took us to Ellis Park when we were elementary-age kids. I could have belonged to "Railbirds Anonymous"! (Always bet the gray horses -- they are always long shots and odds pay off big if they win!) ;-D


His Girl said...

there's got to be some sort of 12 step program or something you can look up.

javamamma said...

Your secret confession is safe with me.

Marie said...

I keep a dauber in my car!! Who am I to judge?? By the way, here we say "I am on" if we are one number away. Alas, I have to drive 30 miles to fuel my bingo passion. Actually, I hardly ever win so passion might be a big strong. And what's up with people who win BINGO in 5 numbers?????
pssst shhhhhh one evening I did win twice in a row. I tried a different seat and so the karma from the winners' side evidently rubbed off on me!
You keep my secret, I'll keep yours!


Anonymous said...

When we were at the state fair one year my dad kept yelling "Bingo" from outside of the tent just to throw everyone off. He wasn't even in on the game. So, what did you win?

Emily said...

Bingo is actually pretty fun. I could go for a few rounds of bingo with you guys.

La said...

My only experience with bingo is when I had to use the restroom once and the bingo hall was the closest place. I went inside and while I was in the bathroom I hollered "B6" just for the heck of it. (The walls didn't go all the way up to the ceiling.) Some old woman started squawking that she had won and was so excited. I felt kind of bad.

Gayle @ thewestiecrew said...

Our favorite campground has nightly Bingo and we are definitely addicted. The worst part is that we have involved the children.

You can never have enough insulated mugs you know.

Big Doofus said...

I'm a deacon at my church and I deny the rumors that I have a card game at my house every Monday evening. There are also rumors that it may cost $5.00 to play in this friendly game and that Monday Night Football is on in the background.

There were some rumors going around, right?