"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

American Idol's Baker's Dozen

Every year as I blog these American Idol shows (ok, this is only my second year), I have tried to adhere to a particular mission or purpose.

Last year, I went several rounds doing my best NOT to talk about their actual singing. And so far this year, I've worked hard to avoid using actual names.

I dunno. Maybe I'm missing the whole point of the show if I work hard to be a purist in my goals.
Let's just see how this goes, and maybe I'll be inspired and come up with a whole new strategy for live-blogging this life-sucking show. I'm ready to push "play" on my DVR, so pour a little artificial strawberry syrup in your milk with me and settle in for what I expect to be a night full of jaw-dropping talent...or perhaps just some poor wardrobe choices. It's too early to tell.
Well, well, well. The judges have just stolen a scene from "The Right Stuff" or "Apollo 13." They have just entered from backstage walking side-by-side in orange jump suits and holding their astronaut helmets...except without the jumpsuits and helmets. Instead, Paula had grabbed a molting emu on the way to the theater and tossed it over her right shoulder. For his part, Simon mixed it up a bit and wore a black shirt.

On with the contestants.

Lil Rounds. OK. There, I did it; I'm using names. I've just figured out her name is "Lil" which is probably short for "Lilly" or "Lillian" or "Lilliputian" instead of short for "Little" like "Li'l Wayne" or "Best Li'l Whorehouse in Texas." I was so saddened when she chose to sing a Michael Jackson song, but then my wife told me not to be too hard on her, especially since it's Michael Jackson night. So unless there's a loophole and they're allowed to sing songs by Micheal Norbert Jackson of Duluth, it's going to be a long night. Instead of giving her a hard time for her song choice, I shall just mock the prom dress top paired with some snazzy white Jordache-esque jeans.

Scott (didn't catch his last name, but I will totally fight the urge to refer to him as "Sightless Scott." Oops.) played piano and sang a song I didn't know, so I couldn't automatically hate it. Good voice, but it could possibly sound better if he'd just remove that sound insulating wad of hair that is consuming his head. Note: that previous line is simply the jealous rantings of a bald man.

Now is the point in the night where my wife implores me to help with the all-important task of SCRUBBING GUNK OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF A BATHROOM DRAWER. Why! Why! Tell me why must this particular job be done right now? She told me that it's human nature. (Give yourself a moment and that line will be funny.) Therefore the next several singers were heard whilst scraping makeup, soap, lotion and other years-old spills out of that blasted drawer, so don't expect much commentary.

Danny Gokey has a knack for matching his glasses to his clothes. I automatically assume he is independently wealthy if he can afford more than one pair of glasses. I, on the other hand, am at this moment wearing my 1980's glasses because I can't afford to update to the 90's. Danny's sounding good on a song I thought was called "EYG." After spending a moment completely stumped by what "EYG" could stand for, Cindy finally stopped rolling on the floor laughing and informed me it was "PYT" instead, which goes nicely with the phrase "Pretty Young Thing" which he repeated about twenty-leven times.

Michael the Oil Rigger sang a song and smiled too many times at my wife throughout the whole thing. Paula liked it and had occasion to wave her arm during her judging which allowed her to dangle a bracelet which looked remarkably like a rhinestone-studded price tag. How much do you think she costs?

Jasmine Murray sang "I'll Be There," and I thought she sounded just like a young Michael Jackson. She's so pretty and will look great on the cover of a CD, but needs to polish the singing just a little more to wow me.

Kris Allen. Something about him seems so familiar. Once Paula called him "sexy," I figured it out. He reminds me of myself, possibly because I wore a shirt like that in 3rd grade, and I own a guitar, and I have two eyes, and a nose...

Allison Iraheta sang a rocked-out song. Again, I didn't catch the title, what with the distraction of cleaning that cursed drawer. She did very nicely.

Next was Anoop doing "Beat It." Frankly, I like Weird Al's version of "Eat It" much better and think Anoop should have mixed it up a bit and interwoven some of the lyrics from each of those songs.

Jorge and his eyebrow sang some oldish-sounding song and left me without much of an impression worth writing about. At this point, my attentions have been turned to folding laundry so my attitude is heading toward angry and mean because there is NO reason why there are ELEVEN unmatched socks. So Jorge, I'm sorry if my impressions of you are affected by unrelated disdain and utter loathing.

Cute little Meghan brought back the quirky dancing which was perfect for "Rockin' Robin." But thanks to those stupid socks, I didn't have the opportunity to devote the necessary amount of time to deciphering her arm tattoo. I WILL figure out what it is, I promise you.

Adam Lambert still has the swoopy bangs that reach out and mock me, so I choose not to write more about him right now. He'll last a while, though, even without my help.

Matt Giraud (is he The Scarf from last week?) is up next with "Human Nature," and all the drawer-cleaning and laundry-folding has worn me out and I'm too tired now to come up which many more thoughts besides saying that it was nice.

Finally, we watched Alexis Grace teach her daughter to say "Seacrest Out," and then she sang "Dirty Diana" (Alexis sang it, not her baby girl). I liked it.

Golly. A lot of great talent in this bunch. I have no clue who should go home, but I'm thinking it should be me because I am absolutely withering.
But here's a stab:
My Tops: Danny, Kris, Lil
Low on the Totem Pole: Jorge, Jasmine (unfortunately), Anoop.

If you're looking for more coherence, check out Cindy's assessment of these fine singers.

I promise to write something more life-changing next week.


Pajama Mama said...

So sweet of you to join in on the bathroom drawer cleaning with your wife!

I think Megan's tattoo is a Medieval castle at the top with a princess? We paused the dvr another week bc we HAD to know.

Heather, aka Jake's Mommy said...

Haha, I look forward to this weekly post. I loved "Jorge and his eyebrow." When he comes on the screen I notice my toddler start touching his eyebrows as if he knows something is DEF. not right but isn't sure what it is. Smart kid.

Kritter Krit said...

Were you cleaning the drawer or did you catch Megan's caw at the end? She CAWED. Quirky or no quirky, for the love of Pete, what was THAT?

Oh, Jorge. I fear you and your eyebrow are doomed. It was a tad too Cheese Whiz for me. I expected Fabio to jump out and start singing back-up. Or at least tending to the hair-flip portion of the Love Fest.

As always, loved your recap. Checking for it after the show has become part of AI night for me. I know, the PRESSURE, right? ;)

Stretch Mark Mama said...

I, too said to my hubs: "WHY did she choose a Michael Jackson song?"

Yep, Quick Draw McGraw, here.

Oh, that post made me laugh.

Cindy Swanson said...

Love your take on Idol, Scott! I'll be reading these throughout the season! :)

boomama said...

This made me laugh out loud.

Cyndi said...

Over from BooMama's - Hi!

Laughed out loud at the Kris recap.

Funny stuff!

Tammy said...

First I'd like to express my sadness as I accidentally deleted my almost completed post.

And secondly, this one was WAY better than mine.

Here's to hoping I can get the job done next week for the Top 10

Emily said...

Okay....Scott and his sound insulating hair....Jorge and his eyebrows....


You're good for my ab muscles. I was watching Megan sway around in her juvenille way and thought of your previous post where you describe her as a little girl in the front row at church. yup.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I love your blog. So glad I ran across it in my blog reading. I will look forward to the weekly post...

I am new to the blog world and have so much to learn.

When you have some time, stop by for a visit!


Chantelle said...

1st time reader here - and Adam's "swoopy bangs" "mocking" you has guarenteed that I'll be back. HA! You're a hoot!

God bless.