"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Thursday, March 5, 2009

American Idol Wild Card Night: The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony EVER!

I took some time off today and came home early to prepare emotionally for tonight's uberexciting American Idol Wildcard Sing-Off.

(Well, actually, I had a sick child to come home and take care of, but I thought a fictitious story of my obsession with American Idol would add just the touch of drama you're looking for.)

I have no idea if the judges pick tonight or if the phone lines open again, but we'll find out in a few minutes.

Before it starts, let me just make my predictions. Bear in mind that my "predictions" do not necessarily match my "wishes.". For example, I "predict" that Tatiana will get through. However, I would sooner "wish" to have blisters on the soles of my feet for eternity.

Naw, just kidding. I'm sure Tatiana is a dear, dear girl. I'm just concerned that the valves in her heart might fly right off their hinges if she gets any more emotionally caught up in the glory of it all.

Note: I was planning on continuing to avoid using actual names in tonight's live-blogging, but "Tatiana" has become more than just a name [ex. "Did you see that guy tatiana-ing when he won the golf scramble?" or "they locked her up because she contracted a serious case of tatiana"]. So if I use the word "tatiana," it's as a descriptive term, not as a name. That way I can still maintain the purity of my blog's namelessness.

Well, Ryan has just confirmed that the judges will make these final picks. Whew. I feel like a burden has been lifted...

First up is The Redhead in Grandma's Hand-Crocheted Afghan. She sang something like "Tell Me Something Good" which didn't sound like an actual song. Doubtlessly, the best of the night so far.

Bluesy Scarf Guy sounded great. I'm guessing the scarf does something to enhance the acoustics of his throat. Perhaps, if he removed the scarf, he'd sound like Carol Channing.

Awkward Dancing Girl is back with the same moves. She is totally dancing like that quirly 6-year-old girl in the front row at VBS last summer.

The Guy Afraid To Commit To An Actual Mohawk. As soon as he started to sing, my oldest daughter started snoring loudly. I honestly don't know if she was trying to make a statement, or she actually fell asleep. After all, she IS the girl who stayed home sick and slept the day away. The judges all called him "too serious." If he makes it through, I recommend a clown suit next time with the rainbow wig and size 29 shoes.

Janet Jackson's Daughter. I adore her. She's taken the judges' suggestion last time to sing something younger to match her age and style. A little Christina Aguilera was a perfect choice for her. Unfortunately, the pitchiness and flatness revealed her weak side.

Oh No. This guy is leaving me completely at loss for a nickname or description. Nothing is standing out, even though he sang well. Immediately, one of my daughters asked, "Why is he wearing such tight pants?" So the Non-Outstanding Guy In Tight Pants it is. By the way, to answer her question, I replied, "It's easier to get through security when you wear tight pants because they can tell you're not sneaking in contraband like Pepsi or foreogn cars."

The Loving Girl Who Loves Loving Love and Loves Us For Loving Her. And how touching that she's singing "Saving All My Love For You," that lovely song about a mistress waiting for her married lover to ditch that woman he married and had children with. Then she got all weepy and tatiana-ed all over the place.

The Sock Tie Guy Without His Sock Tie sang "My Perogative" (I'll check the spelling on that later). Why does he continue to dress like a junior higher? And yet, when he sings, he sounds more like a sophomore, so it's all very perplexing. Hee hee, Paula called his moves "a little nasty"...like it was a good thing.

Well, they make their picks now, and I don't know if I should spoil it for you...so leave now if you don't care to read the results.

Janet Jackson's Daughter is in.
As is Awkward VBS Dancer.
Meanwhile, Tatiana may be the fist "loser" not to have the grace to congratulate the winner standing next to her. Very tacky. Very Tatiana.
And finally between the Afghan Wearer, the Faux-hawk, the Scarf and Sock-Tie-Less Boy, the twelfth seat went to The Scarf....
There's MORE!
In the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER, the judges opened up a 13th spot for...
The Jr. High Sock-Tie-Less Wonder Whose Name Sounds Indian But He's Really From Carolina!

So there you have it, folks.
I've got a few days to learn some names. Too bad the one name I DO know, I won't be able to use...
...or WILL I?


Amy said...

Thank you so much for giving us the results!! Our DVR quit recording...I guess the show went a little long? Wow! 13, huh? Well, then, all our favs from the wildcard got in!! : )

{Jodie} said...

Dude, this is why I love you. Who else throws in "In the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER" in reference to something completely unrelated but equally "amazing and wonderful and magical and amazingly wonderfully magical?"

You are a genius. Or something very much like it.

AmyG said...

I'm so thrilled that Tatiana didn't get through! I can't believe they even brought her back! *sigh*

Loved your descriptions! ;o)

Kritter Krit said...

Our DVR cut off after Weird Dancer Girl made it in. I sprinted, skidding and popping wheelies, to the computer to read your review.

You did not disappoint. (Massive understatement.)

Oh man, your Tatiana paragraph CRACKED me UP. There was snorting involved, I'm afraid. Seriously, I was scared I was going to wake up the Wee One with all of my heehawing. ...But seriously, why, oh why was the girl even THERE? I haven't come across any of "America" that's feelin' the love for her, the contestants seem baffled as to why she's there, heck, even the judges seem confused as to why she's there. WHY WAS SHE THERE??

Wait. I know. So you could write another brilliant critique of her performance. Ahhhh. It all makes sense finally. In fact, now I'm kind of sad that she's gone. =)

THEhooahwife said...

I don't even watch AI and I enjoy these posts! I don't have tv (by choice, cable is not budget worthy here at the Hooah house) so the most I can do to keep up is read these posts!

The reason I am commenting however is that I LOVE the name Tatiana. Pity it has to be matched to a bad (??) voice. Tatiana Gutsu, an Olympic gymnast from the 90's, I thought was so pretty I named my dog after her, at the inspired age of 10. =)

burning4eternity said...

Ok I have to rib ya from the top of the world where it snowed a foot yesterday...and all we HAVE is AI.

You spell checked "Perogative", but not "foreogn". HAHA

For the record - prerogative and foreign

Just trying to help a brother out :)

Love the commentary, now can you do that for Lost?

Susan said...

Where's your wife's take? I'm so glad you guys are further to the east, since I'm on the west. I can watch the show then immediately come see your take. I really need to get a life.

Emily said...

I'm all for the awesome addition of a 13 spot. I rewound it and watched him twice...he looked genuinely surprised.