"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Until I Get A Life, You'll Just Have To Read About AI

OK this is the last week for my American Idol live-blogging without contestants' names. Next week, I'll actually learn some names. Maybe even the right ones.

But for now, let's just sit back and enjoy what many will refer to as "How we spent a couple hours killing time waiting for the horror of 'The Bachelor: Ultimate Last Final Finale.'"

The Man With Two Red Shoes. Tennis shoes with a suit over a t-shirt would not be my style choice, but that doesn't mean much coming from the guy blogging on his couch wearing gym shorts, a sweater vest and old-man socks. He sang really well, but I just don't know if America can pick a guy that dresses like the love child of Don Johnson and Justin Timberlake.

The 27-Year-Old 17 Year Old Girl. Why do teenagers try to look so much older? Again, who am I to be throwing stones, sitting here all pudgy and bald at 37? But she's done singing, the judges are done judging, and already I've forgotten what she sang. Not a good sign.

The AV Club President. Now this guy looks just like someone I'd go to school with and sit at lunch with and talk with about how "Ladyhawk" was our favorite movie. He was cracking me up with the gutteral screaming of "That's Why They Call It The Blues" and kicking over of microphone stands. Unfortunately, we learned last week that cracking us up doesn't get us to vote for you in a singing competition. Now, a gutteral screaming and mic stand kicking competition is a whole other matter.

Cute-As-A-Button Girl sang "The Winner Takes It All" in an ironic attempt to intertwine the obvious genius of Abba with the riffy liberties of Beyonce. Couldn't be cuter, though.

Handcuff Guy. I remember this guy from auditons with what can only be described as the cutest little toddler boy the world has ever seen. But I'm watching him sing, and the light's reflecting off the handcuffs dangling from his belt loop. (I think it would be fun to see him shoot Simon with a Taser.) I'm loving his "Hey There, Delilah" with his buttery voice which is credited to the cortizone shot in his buttocks, no kidding. Seriously.

Duotone Hair Girl has got some nice bluesy grooviness in her Brady Bunch dress. And it wasn't until the very end of her performance that I realized she looks like Bonnie Hunt or Goldie Hawn, or I would have more accurately named her Dutone Bonnie/Goldie Girl. I believe she's a better singer than this song revealed.

Male Drama Queen. When I squinted, he looked and danced like a middle-aged woman singing Meatloaf's "Anything For Love" on karoake night at the condo association fundraiser (and when he mentioned he used to dance and sing this song with mom at home, it all made sense). For some people that would be a compliment, but maybe the judges are looking for something less atrocious.

The Mom Who Didn't Make It Past Hollywood Week...But Did...and will probably continue. The only thing I didn't like was that the song went on forever; however, it turned out that Cindy had rewound it and started it over so it was only half as long as it seemed.

Curly-Haired Blind Guy sang "Mandolin Rain" which took me back. It took me back to a couple of weeks ago when the song came on the radio and Cindy screamed how badly she hates the song. She has yet to explain why, but we can all assume that some heartless mandolin player went home from prom with someone else in 1990.
He sang this well enough, but more like a college choral rendition than a star performance.

The Alligator Dancer's Daughter. As a blonde country singer, she didn't quite compare with Carrie Underwood or Kelly Pickler, but she was awfully cute and could still do Noxema commercials.

Antonio Banderas sang some Elton John "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." Given his dancing history, I kept waiting for him to break into some flamenco or perhaps a touch of the forbidden dance, but the sun indeed went down without any dancing. Not spectacular, but neither is it condo-association-karaoke-worthy. (By the way, does anyone remember Forrest Whitaker singing this on Saturday Night Live? Perhaps one of my favorite SNL moments.)

Little Rounds...

Oh crud, Cindy's just switched over to "The Bachelor" so I better hurry up and tell you that I think the girls blew away the boys tonight.
I think Lil and The Mom Who Didn't Make It will make it.
But which guy? Probably the Handcuffs.


Kritter Krit said...

Oh man, you crack me up! I so, so, SOOOOO enjoy your AI recaps (does that mean I don't have a life either?), and I think you should continue NOT learning the real names of the contestants. I totally knew who you were talking about, just from your description of them. Really, your names are so much better. I think even their mamas might agree. =)

The guys definitely have a better chance of being "the one" to make it through. I say either Handcuffs or Antonio make it through. I may be in the minority, but Two Red Shoes makes me nuts...and we all know how I feel about Headband Boy. Eeesh.

As for The Bachelor, holy heck, can we all say HURL. The After The Final Rose thingee was just too much, especially for a girl coming off a weekend of food poisoning. I felt like a needed a shower afterwards to scrub off all the ICK!

javamamma said...

I'm super glad for your synopsis since I haven't caught 1 episode this year. Maybe when you learn their real names, I get a chance to watch.

{Jodie} said...

Please don't learn their real names.

Please don't.

This way is so much funner (or "more fun" for all the smarties).

Thank you.

Suzie said...

I'm glad you mentioned the handcuffs. I was totally distracted by them and thinking it might just be my imagination.

I wish you would have summarized the Bachelor episode, too. I don't watch, but have been drawn in by all the bloggy and Facebook discussions.

Tammy said...

Praying America does us all a favor and sends the Male Drama Queen packing.

That is all.

The Roths said...

I am pretty sure that Michael Scott uses this same technique to remember peoples names during his motivational speeches.

Emily said...

I purposefully did NOT read this, as I hadn't watched Idol yet.

Now I'm laughing my butt off at your descriptions.

The Alligator Dancer's Daughter takes the cake for best name.

Emily said...

okay, I had to re-read your descriptions and now....duotone hair girl is my favorite.

Somehow I missed you likening her to Bonnie Hunt. I think I love that you KNOW Bonnie Hunt and that I KNOW who Bonnie Hunt is....and.I.agree.

You're cracking me up.