"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I Could Have Given Birth To The Next American Idol

Oh my. I still haven’t posted my thoughts from last night’s American Idol performances, and I’m already receiving nasty emails, icy stares and cold shoulders because of my delay…and that’s just from my WIFE.

(Her email to me this morning: “I am not happy without your AI post. :( ”

Well, last night the contestants sang songs from the year they were born. Mathematically (not genetically), it works out that some of these folks could be my children, so indulge me while I imagine: what if they WERE my babies? Yeah, I know. It'll end up being creepy most likely, but it'll be in keeping with the theme of the night which is subtitled: “Scott Is Old.”

Danny is up first--because he's the oldest--and he's singing some newer version of "Stand By Me." As my first-born, we probably have more photos of him than any of our other children, and we put more energy into decorating his nursery. We also dressed him the best. Like our subsequent children, Danny is following in his parents' musical footsteps (I must write about our "concerts" someday). He did a good job on a 1980 version of "Stand By Me," but like last week, I think the judges liked his performance more than I did. I'm guessing being there live has its perks.

Kris Allen came along 5 years later. I still remember when we bought him his first guitar...I also remember ripping the strings off it, because you should NEVER GIVE A PRESCHOOLER A TOY THAT MAKES NOISE. Seriously, Cindy and I avoided installing batteries in toys that made beeps and whistles or talked. Do not tell our children. They still think Talking Barbie had taken a monastic vow of silence. Kris did a jazzy version of "All She Wants To Do Is Dance" which had me imagining "She" doing a totally different kind of dance than what I would’ve pictured from the original; this version didn't evoke pictures of leg warmers and mile-high hair. That's a good thing.

Lil. I know what you're thinking. "How did Scott and Cindy end up with an African American baby?" Let’s just say that neither Cindy nor I have investigated our family trees back far enough to rule this out as a genetic possibility, so don’t get hung up on the color, man. I also haven’t ruled out the possibility that somewhere a black family who gave birth at the same time in the same hospital is wondering why they have a white child. "What's Love Got To Do with It" was her song choice. Once again, it just wasn’t her. I think that, because of the way we raised her, she really does know that love is more than a second-hand emotion, so she wasn’t able to come across as believable last night. Also, before one of you points it out, since Lil has a few kids, yes that means that Cindy and I are grandparents...really young, hip, cool grandparents.

Anoop also adds a little color to our patchwork family. Born in 1986, he chose Cyndi Lauper’s "True Colors.” I honestly expected it to sound gay, for lack of a better word. You know how it is when a guy sings a song originally sung by a girl. However, he really did a good job on it. As his pretend father for the night, though, I was really hoping he’d have pegged his pants’ cuffs. Have we taught him nothing about the 80’s?

Scott is another one of the 3 or 4 children we gave birth to in 1985. He was named after me because he had my hair. (That's supposed to be funny. I’m bald.) Believe it or not, he didn’t play the piano this week. No siree. He brought out a guitar for the power ballad “The Search Is Over.” Now, he didn’t do a phenomenal job on the guitar or the vocals, but he’s my son so I’m not going to say anything bad about him. It could be crushing to find out that your own father thinks you should be the next to go and is tired of hearing your voice, so I’ll not say that. Next week if he makes it through, he should definitely combine these two instruments and wield the fabled Key-tar!

Allison got her mother’s red hair and her father’s sexy gravelly voice. Both helped her pull off Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” But she DID make me love her. Absolutely loved the song. But that might be due to the fact that she’s the baby of the family (1992), and the baby always get special treatment and attention to make up for how we’ve screwed up the other 7 children.

Matt, Matt, Matt. Is this the way we raised you? We’ve tried to instill in our children the proper understanding of LOVE. That’s why it was a huge disappointment when we heard he’d chosen "Part-Time Lover." We’ve encouraged our children to be “FULL-Time Lovers” for many reasons including better insurance, retirement benefits, and a company car. He did very well, though, and the judges were favorable.
Adam. We’ve always gotten lots of questions about Adam ever since he joined our family in 1982. While most people readily accept that darker-skinned Lil and Anoop are our natural children, no one’s been fooled by Adam. We got him at a pet shop in the mall, and it wasn’t until we got him home and cleaned him up a little bit that we realized he could almost pass as a human child. He’s always liked it when his "brothers" and "sisters" sang at home, and he himself did a lot of shrieking and howling growing up. It wasn’t really welcome in our 1200-square-foot home. When everyone else went to go audition for American Idol, we felt bad leaving him in a cage in the back of the minivan, so we snuck him in with us. Who knew he’d fool the judges and producers! Last night he sang, “Mad World” (’82?) and it was full of the falsetto stuff that drives the ladies crazy. Even Simon loved it and stood up. I think it's safe to say that Adam is getting close to earning himself the right sleep inside the house and eat at the table with us. Seriously, though, he did do a great job. I'm just a judgmental prude who doesn't like black nail polish on boys. Is that so wrong?

So how does a good parent pick favorites and least favorites?
Well, I’m not claiming to be a good parent so:

Scott McIntyre’s reached the end of his road, I believe. Time to go. But since there are a million other people making the decision, I wouldn’t be surprised if they send Anoop or Matt home. Lil’s also possibly teetering based on her performances, but I’ll give her another week or two to turn around.
After last week's pretend screenplays and this week's pretend children, I think next week may be just a straight analysis of the performances before I have a complete break with reality.


Tammy said...

Dude, you are not right.... but I LOVED your review and your wife should be very happy as soon as she gets up from her morning nap!

Key-tar killed me!!!

Heather said...

Very amusing! And come on, Adam is cleaning his look up some, right? I don't think you should make him sleep in a cage...
And I'm with you - I think Scott's going home.

Mr. E said...

Don't watch American Idol, but a sure sign I was getting older, was that I realized that I could be the father of some of our younger Major League Baseball players.


Alison said...

Your recaps always crack me up!

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

I'm not sure I'm much happier now, with you implying that I'm old enough to be their mother. The ONLY one I am old enough to have birthed is Alison, thankyouverymuch.

Smoochiefrog said...

ROFL! You're a mess!

Emily said...

I liked Danny, Allison and (hanging head in total, utter shame) Adam. Truly, Adam made me stare and listen and I couldn't stop. He's an amazing performer. Odd, but amazing.

Scott McGyver needs to go.

ccsmomma said...

I agree. Buh-bye Scott. I love your heart, just not your voice. Hopefully America will finally agree.

Southern Comfort said...

You have the most creative and funny American Idol recap I've read so far! Can't wait to read more.

Stretch Mark Mama said...

Adam from a pet shop, hee hee hee.

Suzie said...

My AI experience is now complete. Thank you, sir.

Anonymous said...

Do you let your children WATCH you smoke dope or do you only do it behind closed doors?

Becky K. said...

Totally funny!

Too hard on Adam, though. I don't understand why it reduced me to giggles...

I was glad to see Scott go this week, even though I think he is an awesome person. It was just time.

Debbie said...