"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Friday, May 1, 2009

Petticoat Junction

There are a few things that creep me out about being a husband and father.

I’ve never had a problem with the whole poopy diaper thing, and cleaning up vomit from sick children/wife is a piece of cake (or chicken or pasta as the case may be).

But here are a couple things you male readers out there will understand. At least I HOPE you will. I hate to think that I’m the lone freak out there.

Thing Number One (the husband thing):
Shopping for Lingerie
While we all have to admit that this stuff looks especially pretty on our wives, the buying of it presents a slight problem for some guys. You see, we have to actually go IN to a lingerie store or a section at a department store. And do you know who else is in those stores? Lots of women.
And college girls.
And teenagers.
And old ladies.
And perverted men. At least that’s how I feel.

This week was my wife’s birthday, and I wanted to get her some accessories for her birthday suit, so off to Victoria’s Secret I went. I also visited the “Unmentionables” department at Target. The mood was the same in both places. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. If only I’d had a big flashing sign that said, “It’s OK. I’m shopping for my wife.” Instead I felt like I had a big flashing sign that said, “Run away! I’m either a cross-dresser or I’m buying something for my mistress or whatever other filthy scenarios are fodder for creepy movies these days.”

My first trip to VS this week, I didn’t stay long at all. I realized I didn’t have my money with me, so I wouldn’t be able to buy anything anyway, and I didn’t want to be the guy who just drops in there simply to “browse.” When I finally had cash in hand, I felt a little more comfortable. Store employees (all of them) took turns coming by to see if I needed “help”. Unfortunately, none of them carried any of the muscles relaxers that I was needing to lower my paranoia level, so they were no help at all. I did, however, manage to mention “MY WIFE” no fewer than fourteen times so that all within ear shot would know for certain my reason for being in the store.

Finally, I found a mannequin that wearing exactly what I wanted to buy, but of course it was the last of its kind in the color I wanted. Given my irrational insecurities in that store, I was too nervous to ask one of the employees to strip down the plastic lady. They had one other piece in a different color which actually turned out much better for Cindy’s coloring, thank you very much. (I'll see if she'll let me take a picture of her in it. She looks greeeeeeeeat.)

Then I was off to stand in line behind all these young ladies who I’m certain were embarrassed that this almost-middle-aged man had to witness the cashier holding up each individual item.

As if the whole in-store experience wasn’t a big enough coronary experience, they packaged my purchase in a dainty striped bag that screamed to everyone in the mall that I'd been shopping at "Tawdrywear 'R' Us." That old lady with the walker couldn't scoot away from me fast enough.

I’m wondering if it might not feel so dirty if the name of the store was something other than Victoria’s Secret. It might be a totally different experience if it were called Victoria’s House of Bloomers or Victoria’s Shop For Men Buying Stuff For Their Wives.

Earlier in the post I’d indicated that there were a couple of things that were disturbing as a husband and father. After telling you about Thing Number One (the husband thing), I don’t know that I have the energy to talk about Thing Number Two (the daddy thing) until I’ve given my ticker a rest.
Maybe tomorrow...or never. I'll check with my doctor first.

In the meantime, do any of you men share my shame?
And are any of you women creeped out by men in your panties store?


AmyG said...

This post made me giggle. I don't frequent VS... actually, I don't think I've ever been in one. But it really doesn't bother me to see men in the "lingerie" department at Walmart or Target. Now, if they are just standing there, staring at the women, yeah, that's creepy, but to actually be browsing, never bothered me.

erin said...

Wow, my mom buys me underwear from American Eagle. And the last bra bought for me was when I was in the hospital recovering from Elijah's delivery, I realized I didn't get a nursing bra and send Jeremiah out to Target to pick one up. He called me from there and some lady was helping him and had asked him my size...I heard him say 'real big'...That's about as romantic as 'lingerie' gets around here.

Starr said...

Your ticker might be helped by shopping for that stuff at target.com!! :-)

javamamma said...

No male comments yet. Hmmmm.

You had me rollin' on the floor in tears with this one! My hubby makes me do my own shopping, though he'll browse the catalouge with me and point out favorites. ;o)

I WILL totally freak if you convince Cindy to let you post a photo of her in her new accessories!

Nicole said...

Yes. It's freaky. I always go running and screaming and call mall security and so forth.

Actually, I don't call mall security, but I always get a little creeped out.

Buy everything online! It's easier that way. ;)

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

I cannot believe you posted this. Ugh.

Scott said...

Cindy, thanks for logging in as me and editing out the inappropriate parts of my post!

FabTheMayor said...

See...yet another reason I buy my own gifts. DH tells me to go get whatever I wanted and then he doesn't have to take it back :)

Big Doofus said...

I've got two words for you, rookie..."GIFT CARDS!!!"

That's how I buy most of my lingerie.

And by that, I mean, most of the lingerie that I purchase for my wife.

I don't wear lingerie...as far as you know.

Truthfully, I've done the VC thing a few times with mixed results. I've found that it's actually more fun to get her (and by "her" I mean MY WIFE) a gift card and then go with her to the store. Then you can pretend that you're actually there with your mistress or girlfriend who is really your wife!!!

Oh, and I know what Victoria's Secret is, but it's not appropriate for this blog. Check your facebook In Box.

Big Doofus said...

By "VC" I meant, "Victoria's Secret." I'm not sure where the "C" came from. Should have been "VS." I know that you were all losing sleep over that, but I felt the need to make the correction.

2Thinks said...

Are you kidding? I'M creeped out in that pantie store. Ick. Don't like being in there with all those bras and triangles that some say are underwear. No VS for this suburban girl, sorry.

All the Arnold's said...

Accessories for her birthday suit!! I LOVE it!

Next, time shop on their website, call the store and have it ready for one of her girlfriends to pick up for you!