"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Long-Awaited Christmas Letter

Family Investigated For Potentially Attempting to Crash White House Pot-Luck Dinner

Official charges have not yet been brought against the Newland family of Bloomington, Indiana.
By Scott Newland, Tuesday, Dec. 22, 2009 at 9:43AM EST
Scott and Cindy Newland, along with their four beautiful daughters, are coming under close scrutiny after word leaked recently alleging that they had attempted to crash the White House Christmas state dinner last week.

“For the record,” said their attorney, “the Newlands haven’t even been in the D.C. area since 2007. The party that everyone is referring to was not at the White House but at the Whites’ house… Norm and Phyllis White. And they didn’t ‘crash’ the party. They were invited, and Cindy’s mistletoe toilet seat cover was the hit of their gift exchange.”
Nevertheless, the Secret Service has run extensive background checks into the various members of the Newland family.

It appears that Jenna Newland, third grader, is being monitored for potential misdealings in the art world. Her parents acknowledge that she is frequently working on art projects that she gives as gifts, but it is still uncertain whether they are originals or detailed forgeries. They seem to be far too impressive to truly be the work of an eight year old. There is also evidence of her involvement in local soccer and basketball gangs. Jenna appears innocent and happy-go-lucky 99.9% of the time, but it is the other 0.1% which is suspect.

According to an anonymous Secret Service spokesperson named Dwayne, 4th grade Brynne Newland may have political aspirations that make her an especially questionable subject. She is indeed part of her school’s student council, but it is unclear whether rumors of her plans to take over the world are exaggerated. Her interest in jewelry and fashion indicate that her sights are set on something high profile. Brynne also recently has been spied taking piano lessons and seems to be doing physical training through sports to prepare her for some upcoming mission.

Informants report that Shelby Newland is impersonating a fifth grader, but her height-- as tall as her mom-- could blow her cover. Monitors report that her time is split between sports such as softball, soccer and basketball, and voraciously reading every book series she can get her (literally) filthy paws on. Investigators are currently reading through her abnormally large volumes of writing. It could take another year to finish.

Of particular interest to investigators is seventh grade Cassie Newland. Previously, she had presented herself as a shy, unassuming girl, but now in middle school she continues to change her M.O. She has debated and even given a speech running for- and winning- a place in student council. To help determine her potential involvement with seedy characters, her 6,892,043 text messages a month are being monitored. Cassie, now a teenager, claims to love playing the violin. Investigators find this highly suspicious.

Cindy completed coursework and renewed her teaching license and has spent the last year and a half infiltrating the local school system impersonating teachers, primarily at Lakeview Elementary, where the three youngest Newland children attend. Informants say that she appears to be enjoying herself, especially during an 8-week stint in once class while the original teacher was allegedly on maternity leave. Her claims that she was formerly a Redskins cheerleader will be put to the test as she cheers on her daughters at basketball this winter.

Scott, the head of the family, is still posing as a minister, just completing his tenth year at Sherwood Oaks Christian Church. This provides the perfect alibi for the rest of his shady dealings. He continues to direct community youth sports programs with the church amid accusations of betting on preschool soccer.

Perhaps the most suspicious character is Cheddar the Maltipoo. Reports claim he has destroyed nearly 2000 pencils in the past year, but nobody is quite sure why or what the pencils ever did to him.

Inquiries into the family’s earlier whereabouts this year have revealed that they had been spotted in Florida in March gate-crashing a space shuttle launch, in Mexico in June crashing a building project for a home for a needy family, at Niagara Falls in July crashing a boat tour and in Gatlinburg, Tennessee in October crashing a humongous pancake fest.

The Secret Service anticipates completing their investigations by next Christmas. For now, the Newlands have issued the following statement:

“We know that we’ve been greatly blessed this year even if we weren’t invited to the White House. We’re thankful for you, our family and friends, and pray that you see God’s blessings in 2010!”