"The Muffled Cries For Help From a Daddy of Four Beautiful Little Girls"

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

AI: Top 12 Sing Rolling Stones

OK. I'm live-blogging right now while watching American Idol.
It's not the easiest thing. Especially since I'm doing twelve other things at the same time, one of which is watching my daughters playing volleyball with a balloon over a net made out of a Twister mat.

And to top it off, we're not using DVR so I can't rewind to see or hear anything I've missed, like people's names and the titles of songs. I do know that it's Rolling Stones night, but I don't know their music. In fact the only thing I know about the Rolling Stones is that Mick Jagger is one of them, and I was told my senior year of high school that I LOOKED LIKE MICK JAGGER! Seriously, my history teacher walked into class the first day and stared at me and then ran to get the teacher from the class next door to come gawk at me as well.

"Who does he LOOK like?!" he demanded.
Of course, the other teacher guessed things like "Tom Cruise," "Brad Pitt" and so forth. (I made that part up, but after enough times of repeating that, I'm hoping it will become one of those false memories people rave about these days.)

Anyway, Michael did a fine job. I'm evidently too busy typing and reliving my false memories to pay much attention to the actual singing, but he's good and safe for at least three more weeks or longer. He just had a baby, people. You have to like new daddies.

Didi Benihana sang a song about playing with fire and may have done the best job she's done so far. I hope she doesn't mind me saying she looks a lot like Taylor Swift. Sure beats being told she looks like Mick Jagger. Who DOES that?!
Casey James is from Cool, Texas. That's so cool. Plus he has really pretty hair. That hair will carry him to the final four at least. Mark my words! Again, I don't know the Rolling Stones from Stonehenge, so when he sang the words "I used to love her," I was guessing that it would be followed by "but I had to kill her." So I'm a little disappointed.

Lacey Brown is a preacher's kid! Hallelujah! She and I are kindred spirits, and that's worth something. I don't know what, but it's something. I think she's singing "Ruby Tuesday," and that's a great restaurant so that's something too. And--get this--her name is the same as my sister-in-law's maiden name. So that's THREE SOMETHINGS going for her. The only downsides are I didn't like the song and I didn't care for the pirate shirt under the cut-off top of a zombie's wedding dress.

Andrew Garcia with his big ol' glasses is just begging for me to call him Uncle Vito or something. Randy thought he was pitchy. But Ellen who knows nothing about music thought it was his best yet. I'd be disturbed if I were him. And seriously, folks, does anyone else expect fish to swim behind those glasses? Why am I so hung up on those glasses? I'm probably just jealous.

Katie's fans have her head on sticks. You know you've arrived when your head is on a stick. She's singing about wild horses not dragging her away. I know it's a common phrase, but do wild horses really drag things away? Is this something they're known for? I know wild wolves tear victims apart and drag chunks of them away, but wild horses? I thought her voice was weak and shaky, but I assumed it was intentional to sound like she's surrounded by a pack of wild horses about to drag her away.

Tim Urban is singing "Under My Thumb." I don't know the original song, but knowing that it's a Rolling Stones song, I'm going to assume that it probably didn't originally sound as Ukulele-ish as he's doing it tonight. Curious to see what the judge's think...OK, they didn't dig it. But you should know that Cindy was totally grooving with it and it put her in the mood for a fruity drink on the beach.

Siobhan is singing that song about things painted black. The whole prom dress and combat boots look is sure to be replicated at every high school dance this spring. Very cool arrangement and look. Very entertaining. Absolutely awesome scream. All it was missing was biting the head off a bat.

Lee Dewyze is singing "Beast of Burden" which totally conjures up images of burros carrying bags of coffee beans down steep hills in Colombia. The lyrics don't appear to support this idea, so it's probably not a good idea to put me in charge of creating the music video. Lee's sound reminds me of Danny Gokey from last season. And I think if he borrowed any of Danny's 378 pairs of glasses, he'd probably look like him too.

Paige Miles is rocking what looks like a shorts jumper like my girlfriends used to wear in 2nd grade. Are they back? Cindy says they are. She's a gorgeous girl, and pretty girls can wear whatever they want, evidently. "Honkytonk Woman" worked for her too. She's safe.

Aaron Kelly is singing "Angie" or is it "Anjay"? He did a fine job. Randy nailed the description using the word "tender." And Ellen nailed his hair: "Are you trying to look like me?"

Last up, Crystal Bowersox. She's singing "You Can't Always Get What You Want." Isn't this the song with the choir of children singing? She really needed to bring out a bunch of kids in dreadlocks to back her up. But it was still fine as it was.

To wrap up, most everyone did fine. If I had to pick who to send home, I think it would be Aaron and Katie. I think they're both so young, and you can tell in their voices. But we know they'll get the votes, so I might say Andrew, Didi or Tim might be in danger instead.

For those of you who are judging me for
A) watching American Idol, and
B) writing about it,
I apologize for letting you all down.

Don't worry.
I'll make up for it tomorrow by writing summaries of soap operas and expressing support for the current health care bill.

Monday, March 8, 2010

CH_ _CH. What's Missing? SPELLCHECK!

I really don't like to complain.
It's not a big deal.

I should be able to overlook it.

But put yourself in MY shoes.

I drive by FOUR churches on my way to drop my daughter off at school each morning. And not just any four churches, but four churches with CHURCH SIGNS out front where they can put up messages and announcements.

You're probably thinking I'm going to mock the cutesy trite sayings that many churches put on their signs. Really, I would rather see that than what I've been subjected to for that last several weeks.

Keep in mind that I was an English major. But I'm guessing even some of you Ceramics majors may also cringe when you read the following signs.

CHURCH A: "Be an organ doner. Give God your heart." It's "DONOR," folks. But that's not too bad. I actually suspect that most people won't even notice that misspelling.

CHURCH B: "Jesus Was God's Valintine To Us." Valuntime's with mispeelings are only cyoot win ritten by chidlrun.

CHURCH C: "WENSDAY 6:30" OK. At this point in my morning when I'd already passed two churches with misspellings, I've only got so much grace left to give. And it's not enough to even come close to covering over the multitude of sins that reside in "WENSDAY."

So by the time I see CHURCH D with the word "IMBEDDED" instead of "EMBEDDED," I'm so clouded by my fury, ire and shame that it takes every ounce of strength to keep from plowing my car directly into that sign.

Actually, I exaggerate slightly. I give churches at least a two-day grace period for them to recognize the error of their ways, but some of these still have their misspelling almost a month later.

Is it tacky to call them and tell them? Or should I just take a can of red spray paint and correct them?

(NOTE: I'm sure I have multiple misspellings and grammatical errors in this post. Isn't that iconic? And for the record, "imbedded" is an acceptable alternate spelling of "embedded" but still rubs me wrong.)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Too Bad I Don't Have A Podcast

Hi, my name is Barry White.

At least I'm pretending to be Barry White today. There's some serious drainage going on in my throat right now. In addition to irritating me, it's altered my voice and taken it down a couple octave. It also causes the lights to dim and perhaps a lava lamp or two to come on. If only I had a podcast so you could hear this rich, buttery voice of mine.

But mainly it's just irritating. Don't worry, though; it's nowhere NEAR as serious as the throat blisters of death from my college days. I presume my current condition is a direct result of the Olympics. I've been up way too late catching up on all the most important events in the world of curling, biathaloning and cross-country figure-bobsledding. Then last night, my father-in-law took the whole family to the musical "Beauty and the Beast." (I still think Belle and Gaston would've made a good pair if we didn't have to worry about sending the wrong message to our children.)

Anyway, when I get too little sleep, my body responds by producing phlegm in a volume that seems mathematically impossible.

So Barry White will be leading a class at church tonight, then coming straight home to get some sleep...or watch tv until 2 am. It's a toss-up.